New

It's a new year. It's been about 4 months since I returned from Russia. And to be honest, I've not thought about it nearly as much as I would have hoped. I think about the kids every time I hear "Everything" by Lifehouse. I think about how Phedya loved it and how I knew that somehow he understood exactly what the song meant. But I haven't been processing it properly. I've allowed myself to avoid it just like I do so many other things. I've allowed myself to be distracted by simple things that are easy to think about. That require no depth. This new year means changing that. I'm going to start being completely honest with myself. It's okay to be sad. But it's also okay to be happy. That's a lesson I'm doing my best to learn.

Tears

So. I should probably stop avoiding God.

And myself.

I'm not going to SPRINT debrief.

I do not attend SPU right now.

I cannot afford to go to Seattle this weekend.

SUCKS.

Tonight I saw a bunch of facebook statuses about the first day of classes.

I cried.

Tonight I got an email from my would be hall council.

I cried.

Tonight I got an email from Michael Richards about debrief.

I cried.

I MISS RUSSIA. I MISS SPU. 

I want to be with people that were there and understand.

I want to stop feeling so numb to God. Again.

I want to go back to feeling Him in everything.

God. Please. I need you so much. 

Please. 

The Game Called Waiting

So...Home. 
I made a lot of goals for you. 
Family time.
Job.
Volunteer.
Exercise. 
Small Group.
Jr. High Ministry


You know, all that good stuff.
But it's been a week. And I already feel completely useless.
I'm not waking up at 8 am everyday ready to head off to the TB center or the baby orphanage. I'm not staying up til 1:30 am working on the VBS for the next day or laughing with my teammates. I'm searching for a job. Tirelessly. I didn't get any classes. That scares the poop out of me. I've never not been in school. I've never been this...idol. I like to be busy. I don't know how to navigate this. 


I know God has a plan. 
I know I just need to ask him to meet me where I'm at and guide me through this. And I have been. But I still feel so...


STUCK.


USELESS.


STAGNANT.


and frankly...bored. 


God, I know I don't have to be radical for you all the time. But I just don't know what I'm supposed to do right here and right now. In this weird limbo. 
I'm still figuring out what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life.


I'm still searching for my "God assignment". 


And I can't lie.

I'm getting really restless.

If someone offered me a ticket and a way, I would go anywhere right now. anywhere. Back to Russia. To Africa. To South America. To Thailand. Anywhere.

But at the same time I know I'm supposed to be here.

At home.

In stinky Eastvale where you can't even ride your bike through a drive-thru. 

Where everything closes at 10pm.

Where you have to apply to at least 30 places if you want any chance of getting a job.

Where I've lived for 9 years of my life. 

I don't know. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm annoyed. With myself. With this situation. With...God. I just want answers. I just want to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm at least on the right track.

BUT. 

on a brighter note. 

Philip and I are going to start a Bible study together.

And we have been going to church together. 

And we prayed together.

And I think he's starting to get it. Maybe.

And Dad has been making me vegetarian food.

And I'm babysitting the Rogers' kids next week.

And visiting Josh and Stacy. And Sophia :)

Soooo...not all bad.

I just happen to be seeing my glass as half empty right now.

And I miss Russia.

How He Loves Us

Hmm. God loves us a lot. A LOT. It's crazy. 

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:38-39

But not everybody knows that. Not everybody drives around in their car listening to worship songs and looks down and realizes that every square inch of their body is covered...COVERED in goosebumps and feels like they are being held tightly to God's chest being told how much they mean to Him. The kids we were with in Russia might know that. But they might not. That's one of the hardest parts about being away from them now. Sure, some good discussions happened with the teens. Yes, we showed as much love as we humanly could to the kids and everyone we came into contact with. 


But that's just it. It was human love. We are human. We don't agape people. Only God can do that. Only our big, loving, just, merciful, gracious, beautiful, caring Father can love someone so much that they tremble in fear and reverence. 


I miss Russia. I miss knowing that God was present and feeling Him in our activities and our team time. I know God didn't stay in Russia and only in Russia. I know that He's everywhere and that He's in my life still. I know that. I'm still relying on Him. I'm still loving Him. But I can't help but fear that because I no longer "need" to rely on Him for the success of our VBS or the movement of my bowels or sunshine, that I'll forget how much I NEED Him. 


This is what Russia taught me: God is big. He can handle it. He can take it when I yell at Him in utter frustration and rage. He can handle all the hurt in the world. He can watch children break because of their parents actions and not fall apart at the sight of it. He can take people turning their backs on Him and rejecting Him daily. 


But
I 
can't.


I am human. 
I am flawed.
I am here.
They are there.
I am small.
I am human.

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

But see, Russia taught me that it doesn't matter that I'm only human, flawed and small. It doesn't matter that I can't be with everyone that hurts. I can't take all of the problems in the world away. But I can do what God asks of me. I can be filled with Him and be empowered by Him to do all the things He wants me to do. For Him. And for His children. God doesn't ask us to do anything that does not better ourselves or others. God is about change through human connection and love and teaching men to fish. 


I am human
powered by God
ready to serve
ready to listen
ready to learn
ready to love.

Jet Lag + Bronchitis = Late Night Blog Post

So today I returned from a month in Russia

                                                                    or Россия.

It was incredible.
and eye opening
but not in the way 
I had expected.


Because we should never enter an experience with expectations.



 "My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62:5-8 



God was so present on this trip. He was leading it. He was in our team. He was in our VBS. He was in those kids. He led us there. 


федя (Fedya) was my bud at the TB center. He is my hero. He has been through so much and still has a lot of hurt and brokenness to endure. But he is so incredibly kind and strong and loving. I wish I had been able to really talk to him. But I just have to trust that God's arms are around him.


I miss Russia already. I miss the pace of my life there. I miss working with the kids and seeing how happy they were when we played with them.

But God is calling me HOME.

He's calling me to be HERE.

And to LOVE.

And RECONCILE.

And that's what i will do.

All for Him and for His glory.

Now if only my bronchioles would let me sleep...